You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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