Your mouth is God's brothel.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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