I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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