Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Houston, we have a squirter
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
