i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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