I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
