There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
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You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
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I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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