Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
