did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
