Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
