final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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