You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize