MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
