She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
