She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
