You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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