I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
