im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dear god my vagina.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
