Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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