so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
