Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
