Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I will be naked everywhere
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
