When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
