At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
