that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
