Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
