I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
