Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
