i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
