Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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