Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
