god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
