his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
