he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
