Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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