you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
