She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction