so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
