i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You may now shotgun with the bride
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
