so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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