I cut my penus on the lid.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
