I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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