I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
