i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
