Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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