I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
