A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
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I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
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True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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