just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
