Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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