Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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