I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.