i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
