Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
