I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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