she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
