Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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