Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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