Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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