Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
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Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
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It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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