Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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