Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
