just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
