My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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