you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I would ride that face into the sunset
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
