Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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