Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
